I feel like such a shit mum today.


I find looking after Dyllan quite hard work at the best of times. Everyday i battle with my BPD and PND and i often have to just forget myself, my needs, my feelings just to able able to get on with it and be a parent. My little spurts of motivation are few and far between and are never at the right time. The tiniest thing can feel like a tonne on my shoulders, i cant remember the last time i didnt have that 'crushing' feeling.

That being said, i can still honestly say that since having Dyllan i am happier. Happier being that i finally have a purpose and a reason to get up in the mornings. A reason to keep going.

There are days though, when its all just too much. Everything has piled up and the simplest task is just too overwhelming to think about.
This is why im feel like im a bad parent today. My house is just too much for me to handle now. A couple of weeks ago, i had the kitchen and front room looking like a show home. Now, the kitchen is disgusting, there is rubbish everywhere, the living room is bursting at the seams with all kinds of crap and im having to keep Dyllan confined. On a normal day he would be quite happy to play in his play pen for a couple of hours while i get shovelling and making the place a bit more baby safe. Today though, its just too much for me. Its also made me realise that we dont actually have many toys for Dyllan. So, of course, he is bored as hell. I havent the first clue as to how to keep him occupied and even if i did, he'd want something different five minutes later. On a better day i would pop him in the buggy and just walk somewhere, but i'm just too tired.

I'm hardly sleeping at all, which isnt helping anyone. But because im allways asleep when matt comes up at god knows what hour every morning, i'm just being lazy arent i?

I had begun not to care about his total unsupportive-ness. But i'm afraid that with everything else i'm not handling it anymore.

Right now, i wish that i could throw everything in this house away and just start again.

I know i've needed a new pushchair for a while, and that its become desperate, but now it is a must have.
Yesterday i went with my mum and Nan over to Southampton for the day. I struggled with the pram so much at one point, i was in tears.
Were going to ask matts mum if she can lend us the money, hopefully we can order it tomorow.

Now, the Southampton trip...

IKEA

IS

MECCA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dyllan sang all the way around the store and if i wasnt so tired i think i would have done too!!!!
It upset me a bit, because for very little money i could make my house from hell a home. Made me realise that at this point in time, i would do anything to be able to work again.

A stunning rug for £1.70, and i couldnt even get that.
Sooooo many things for Dylly too.

The resturant was amazing. The food was superb and they are so family friendly its untrue. They have a complete childrens feeding station in the middle of the resturant equipped with numerous bottle warmers and a microwave. They even have their own cutlery, food pots and bibs!!!!
I wanted to stay there for ever.

Speaking of Dylly, right now were are both in bed. We have just finished eating our snack a jacks (well Dyll had his organic rice cakes) and he had a good time making mess!!! good thing i had to change these sheets anyway. Hes now singing away to the Katamari OST.

Much love peeps!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Things have just been nuts. So nuts, i cant even begin to go into it. so, lets move on...

I am thinking of creating another journal. Something new and fresh and things, something that has a theme going on, just to give me something to focus on etc.
My food blog came down with a tumble so it will probably be the new home for all things food too.

Just too much shit to be publicised ya know????

Gosh, so whats happened. Well, Dyll-bobs is 6 months old....nearly 7 now....my dog had an accident but shes fine now...loving the weather....been diagnosed with Bi-polar disorder....become really really fat all of a sudden....and yeah, just trying to get on really.

Well that was gross.

But at least it looks like a brand new steriliser!!!

Shame i couldnt find my camera card :(

So, no one told me that you had to de-scale your electrical baby appliances. Of course, now, im thinking something along the lines of, "DUH!" but its not the sort of thing that comes obvious to a new mum.
Turns out, that your supposed to de-scale every 4-6 weeks at least.

Oh dear.

Nevermind though. I knew it needed descaling but it took me ages to find a good cost effective solution and also how to descale effectivley.
So, i have my citric acid and finally found instructions on what to do. 
And its all underway. Right now its standing for 30 mins. Before when it was on for 2 mins with the solution in it, i could allready see the amount of shit comming out of that scary hole at the bottom of the steriliser bowl.
20 more mins to go! might have to take pictures.... 

I just found out that my nan has leukemia and has only 8 years of life left at the very most.
And that she will pretty much be a vegetable way before then.

Life is shit.

Matt and i are back together and its going great. I'm still at my parents at the mo as we have been so busy and we really need a whole day for me to move all my stuff back.

One thing thats been keeping me busy is that i am making my own Ring sling for Dyllan and im yet to find a really helpful sewing guide. Babywearers.com isnt as helpful as i thought it would be.
An annoyance as i have bought all the material and the rings ready to go.

The craft fair was last weekend. Major dissapointment. It was a fantastic show, and it turns out it was so well organised and spaced out i could have taken Dyllan, but they really didn't have much of what i was really looking for.
I'm after the new Basic Grey paper packs, and their rub ons which for some reason seem to be like hens teeth at the moment.

---------------------------

I have spent most of today fustrated, angry and upset.
One of my closest friends has lied to me about something so very very serious.
Something that she ended up in crown court for.
I've been sticking up for her, telling everyone how it didnt happen like they were told.
And now i look like an ass because i didnt know the truth and i believed her.
What really really upsets me though, is that i was the one who trained her when she first started working in care.
I know its not, but i still feel like its my fault.
I never thought she could be so fucking stupid.

iwcp.co.uk/news/care-workers-filmed-attacks-on-elderly-24800.aspx

I'm thinking of starting it up again.

For those of you that dont have a clue what im on about, some years ago now i made home made dog treats and some other animal treats.
I dont know why i stopped exactly, probably relationships etc.

Anyway im looking on the internet now and it seems that i was very foolish to stop as this kind of thing is on the up. When i was baking treats originally, i could only ever find 2 other people doing it in the UK. Now by the looks of it, its big business.

I love making things, i'm very very crafty with scrapping and card making etc. The problem is, getting myself back into selling my goods along the craft sort of lines, its quite expensive. Where as when it comes to my bakery, its pretty low cost and straight forward.

The one thing that worries me though is that now its becoming more of an 'in' thing, health and safety nazis could get in on it.
ie; having to have someone check out where you bake your goods, have them tested for harmful things etc. etc.
Which of course you wouldnt get on the crafty side of things.

What do you guys think i should do?

Dyllan graduated from baby massage on friday :)

So much has been going on latley i havent even had time to breathe.

In short, Matt and I got even worse but now were working on it and things are on the up. Its a slow process but i think it has helped in the sense that it hasnt been forced or rushed. Its also given us a chance to voice all of our grievences rather than the petty spur of the moment things.
I'm still currently at my parents and that has been a great help. I have been referred back to the mental health team as my 'illness' has got worse and i have been told that i probably have bi-polar disorder. Which is crap but on the other hand it does explain everything. I didnt know that it took so many different asessments to finally be 'officially' bi-polar? i'm not very clued up on this.
Oh yeah and we might be going bankrupt. 
At this point we're still looking at all our options, time will tell. 

I cant wait for the weekend. The big craft show at Farnborough is upon us!!!
scrapbooking and card making porn!!! 

I'm so sad :3